Diary : 28-30 Aug 2011

With Project LIVES! around the corner and a huge handful of logistics unsettled. It was impossible for me to leave office, much less talk about having a prayer retreat, there was just too much work to be done.

But wait. I was reminded of an old preacher who said "The heavier your battle, the longer you should spend in prayer"

But it was unsettling. It was unlike me to leave my work while things are still unsettled. I hesitated and waited at my computer for emails to be replied, to at least lift the burdens off my shoulders before i go on a retreat.

No mails with good news came in. The greater the urge to stay in office for one more day to wait for replied. My bag was packed, but my heart and mind was filled with anxiety.

This was the last period in which I can afford a 2-3 day break and I knew I had to make a choice.

And I finally did. Prayer is just too important to be put aside especially in a critical moment such as these. So off I went on Sunday and returned on Tuesday refreshed.

It is not only about the time spent alone to reest, nor is it the undisturbed sleep. But its the time spent with God, the running back to God to rest in his assurance. Its about bouncing ideas off God and aligning my plans with His Will.

Such times as these are probably more important than ministry itself.

There is absolutely no point in spearheading & executing projects no matter how successful they are, if its not God Will and if He is not in the picture. Its not about taking the promise land in our hearts, but He being in the promise land with us that really mattered.

My diaries are at best only a pale reflection of the emotional challenges we go through day by day. Seeing incredible needs but yet challenged with limited funding, I sometimes find myself asking God "So why put me here when I cannot do anything about the sufferings" There is a sense of helplessness and focus starts to erode. And as time passes, memory fades. Sometimes even the wildest raging fires of faith fueled by God given dreams can be slowly diminished over time.

But though these prayer retreats that God fans the diminishing embers of flames, fueling us with forgotten memories and relights new flames of revival back in my life.

Suddenly everything is clearer, suddenly I rediscover my purpose, suddenly I'm no longer anxious, suddenly I'm burning for His presence again.