Its Painful To Heed

 Its not easy to translate these raw feelings into words, and even harder to fully articulate in writing. With each word usually brings along with it the nostalgia, the pains, the joys of being in ministry.

So often, I'm conscious that I should write nicer things, things to encourage and processing "raw" sentiments before I put them into writing. But its that very reason why people will rarely get a glimpse of our heartaches.

So let me try yet again.

It's really painful. Painful to be called by God to serve, but yet left feeling left high and dry with no one to support you.

It was the risk I took, I was firstly relatively new in church and while I attempted to integrate by signing up for church cell groups, no one called me up. I signed the form not once but 3 times over 2 years. *grinz*

And as I waited, I would sit quietly at each service, feeling connected to the church yet disconnected from the body of Christ.

Somehow as i look back, it was a divine plan.

Would I have been in cell, I would likely be more involved in ministry and should the call of the Lord come under such circumstances, I would have done what most Christians would do- simply seek your leader's advice. And being a big church coupled with a call to missions at a time when the church was pulling back on missions. I would probably not have been able to just pack my bags in obedience and left.

For months as I sat in each service, I wondered if I should leave the church altogether, I had little to no friends in the church and would have my coffee before service by myself and after the service ends, I would head home alone. Not the kind of church life I was yearning for. It sure felt a little raw, and lonely at times.

But it was also at this very church where I sat there listening to this female pastor preaching through Haggai that i first heard my call. It was because of this disconnection that I was able to leave without hindrance. It was because of the loneliness that I knew "home" was probably somewhere else.

That fateful morning when the Lord called. The only 2 things I had to give up was my attractive career offer and my family in Singapore. To give up, it was painful.